I used to be amused but now I feel abused when I see all of the proposed legislation in Augusta and other state capitals. It is obvious that legislators are not doing things for us, they are doing things to us. Unfortunately that is costing us money. I think it’s high time to shut down the Maine Legislature for two years unless there is an emergency that arises that they, and only they, can solve.

Just think, no new taxes or fees. No increases in taxes. They would not earn their annual salary, money for meals and lodging, no special $100-days after the regular session is over and the interstates would be safer to drive instead of seeing them and the governor (former) going by at 90 miles an hour.

I heard that in the old days (before air conditioning) in Texas, legislators met in the middle of summer when it was the hottest, which helped reduce the length of time that they wanted to meet. I suggest that instead of meeting at the State House in Augusta, Maine legislators meet in January at the top of Mount Katahdin in tents. There actually could be some benefits of doing such a thing. First, it would set up voluntary term limits, as I am sure that someone who has been in the legislature for 50 or 60 years wouldn’t want to climb that mountain in the dead of winter.

And since the tents would not have any heat except their hot air expelled during discussions, I am sure most of them wouldn’t want to be there 90 days. As the temperature drops more and more, I am willing to bet that one would see Democrats and Republicans hugging each other to keep warm instead of robbing our wallets. There could be a good chance that they would be robbing each other instead.

I laugh when I see the laws that were passed years ago by elected officials. Some of these may be no longer in effect, but they are hilarious nonetheless. In one town it is unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants. In another, minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols; however they may buy shotguns. In Boise, residents may not fish from a giraffe’s back (like to know why this law came in being). In yet another state whenever two trains meet at an intersection of tracks, neither shall proceed until the other train has. (I think Yogi Berra must have thought of that one). That also sounds something like what is happening in Congress with Republicans in charge of the House and the Democrats in charge of the Senate.

Maybe it’s time we, the people, legislate what the legislators that represent us are supposed to do. For instance, in Tennessee, there’s a law that states duelists shall hold no office. Any person who shall fight a duel or knowingly be the bearer of a challenge to fight a duel shall be deprived of the right to hold any office of honor or profit in the state. Why does this make me think this could only lead to increasing the size of the legislature? In one town in California there is a law that states no dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash. I would recommend changing master to legislator but our luck would have it that they would want diamond-studded leashes. In Alaska, it is legal to shoot bears but waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited. I wonder if a member of the legislature could demonstrate why.

In Georgia, it is the law that members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session. What they should be ticketed for is passing speedy legislation. I believe it’s bad enough being forced to close your business, but in Athens-Clarke County there is a law that forces one to obtain a license before holding a going-out-of-business sale. This tells me that one is taxed when opening a business and also taxed when closing that business. I think that should be carried over to the Maine Legislature as well. All legislators should be charged a fee to enter the State House and another fee when they leave. Since a Maine legislator once proposed a $750 tax on every additional toilet after the first one is installed, maybe we should charge them the same fee when they use the facilities in Augusta. Sounds fair, doesn’t it?

Before this dreams end, shouldn’t we require each member of the Legislature who passes legislation pay for the costs incurred instead of us, the taxpayers of Maine? Now that’s something that would certainly decrease the amount of not only proposed legislation but legislation that is passed as well. It’s either that or I want less corruption or more chance to participate in it, which would only lead me to running for a seat on the Windham Town Council, which is something that will never happen again.

Lane Hiltunen, of Windham, has other concrete ideas as well. And they’re a real blast.

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