In an effort to reduce the intellectual indigestion caused by TV, this newspaper periodically interviews prominent local citizens whose life and character benefit the community. The recent tsunami of blather concerning the Republican Party presidential primary inspired the following conversation with Lucius Flatley, the well-known local political scientist.
Q: How long have we had political parties?
A: The constitutional fathers didn’t like them, calling them “factions” and fearing that they would throw sand in the gears of government. However, when Tom Jefferson wanted his turn in the White House, he created chowder and marching clubs, which held torchlight parades and drank lots of rum. The chowder and the rum worked, so Tom’s opponents formed their own club of mostly rich and well-born folks, who also ate chowder and drank lots of rum.
Q: What were the names of those parties?
A: At first, Jefferson’s group was called Democrat/Republican. They were mostly miscreants who were on relief and couldn’t read or write very well, so they used just the first half of their name. Later, since the name “Republican” wasn’t being used – and sounded classy – the Federalists (also known as Whigs) borrowed it. That was a brilliant move, for it got Abe Lincoln elected and kept the Democrats identified with the redneck South for a hundred years.
Q: Why do we still have political parties?
A: Football requires two teams in order to have a game. Twenty-two quarterbacks would only lead to confusion, and make it difficult to pass pay raises for themselves. Parties also do the thinking for congressmen who are either too stupid or in most cases, too busy raising money for their next campaign to study the issues. Party loyalty in Congress also provides an excuse to behave stupidly – such as voting against everything the opposition presents.
Q: What are the main accomplishments of parties?
A: They help politicians whose only qualification is the ability to get re-elected. And due to complicated election laws, they prevent the election of independents who could not be trusted to do as they are told. Parties are also useful to provide gassy “news” to TV talking heads.
Q: What have each of the two parties been noted for?
A: As Professor Pease used to teach at Gorham Normal School, “Politics is the process of deciding of who gets what.” The Democrats have spread the booty around to impecunious constituents a lot more than corporations would prefer, and the Republicans have kept public welfare, such as the shipyards at Bath and Kittery, operating steadily. The Democrats consider themselves as “needy” and the Republicans have done great things in reducing taxes on the obscenely rich, whom they consider needy.
Q: What is a party caucus?
A: Caucuses are meetings for party members to drink lots of coffee while they argue about party platforms. They are sparsely attended because lobbyists can’t take caucuses to Scotland for golf or buy them steak dinners, and most caucus goers are too old to be interested in single malt scotch or volunteer girl guides.
Q: How about party conventions?
A: Democratic Party conventions are mostly opportunities to drink lots of rum and argue over gay rights and climate change. Republican conventions are opportunities to drink lots of rum, to wear foolish costumes and, in the case of Maine, to show how poorly a meeting can be conducted.
Q: Can you explain a party platform?
A: Don’t ask. No one pays any attention to them.
Q: What makes political scientists such nerds?
A: They’re mostly wimps in high school who couldn’t make either a team or a cheerleader. So they looked for ways to have people notice them, such as carrying lots of books and wearing neckties.
Two thoughts for the week:
1. The U.S. is buying 2,443 F-135 fighters. Only seven of them would buy a hand-held electronic tablet for every first-grader in the country. 2. $1 billion of military spending creates 11,000 jobs; if spent on education, it would create 27,000 jobs.
Rodney Quinn, a former Maine secretary of state, lives in Westbrook. He can be reached at rquinn@maine.rr.com.
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