Scarborough is big, big, big in the world of Maine politics, and product testing.

We have 22,000 residents. Fourth-biggest municipality in the state?

In politics, people from The Borough turn out to vote. High percentages. 65 or 70 percent or more. Politicians salivate.

A product tester for a polling company once told me: “If something is popular with Scarborough residents one year, in one to three years, it will be popular all over Maine.”

For example, perfumes, or breakfast foods, or home de?cor.

That’s leadership, baby!

People who sell stuff spend much time and resources in 04074 Land.

For this reason, if you are reading this column, you will probably be seeing Maine Senate President Justin Alfond this coming election year, and also, to a lesser degree, Gov. Paul LePage.

I cannot take my eyes off the seemingly constant playground “spitting match” between Sen. Alfond and Gov. LePage.

When we last left political chatter in this ZIP code 04074 column, we had learned that our chief executive is “rough around the edges.” “A former street kid made good,” is how one of my friends and a fan of the Governor’s describes him. I am trying really, really hard to warm up to Sen. Alfond. But he is making it difficult.

Why?

He is in a position where he needs to be a “statesman and diplomat,” as former Secretary of State, and later a Current columnist, Rodney Quinn, used to say. Alfond is appearing biologically incapable of doing so, however.

LePage says a lot of crazy, or inartful, stuff.

If he doesn’t like something a state legislator is doing, he will say the politician is “sticking things where the sun don’t shine” to Maine voters. He is coarse.

If Gov. LePage disagrees with things that a newspaper writes about him, he jokes, while sitting in a plane manufactured in Maine, that he would like to use the plane to go on a bombing run over that newspaper’s headquarters. In this post-Sept. 11 world of school shootings, etc., it’s not a good idea to make jokes about bombing buildings. All that said, the governor is fortunate because many of his political opponents take a Pavlovian approach to his nutty outbursts “The Governor just stuck his foot in his mouth; let me see if I can stick both of mine in my mouth!”

Senator Alfond is the leading shoe-eater.

When the governor chides Alfond about having grown up in a wealthy Maine family. I was in this business for 10 years Maine House of Representatives, Scarborough Town Council, other stuff. Two bits of free advice: 1. Be the adult in the room. Stop fighting with the governor.

If he hints that you are a wealthy brat who, among other things, throws tantrums when things don’t go your way, make it a point not to throw tantrums when things don’t go your way with his caustic comments.

Be poetic. Be uplifting. Do you have kids? Have you ever had to deal with a 2-year-old throwing a fit? Or a 7-year-old telling you that you are stupid because you won’t let them have a second or third ice cream cone at 10 p.m. and it is bed time?

Don’t get mad. Don’t call names. Tell them you understand their position.

Tell them you know they mean well. Say you hope they will adopt your view since you really believe it is in the best interest of Western Civilization etc. etc. Make Rodney Quinn proud.

Second dollop:

2. You have something that most middle age males (and therefore voters) in the state of Maine would kill to have –you are an expert golfer! Talk about it!

You were going to try the pro golf tour, but that didn’t work out, right? So you went in another direction, and, among other things, you ended up in politics, right?

Fine. Own it!

It sells. Maine people love sports. Ever go to a high school basketball game?

Many people would like to be able to hit that little white golf ball like you can.

And, odd as it may sound, they will often vote for someone from the world of sports (google “Dave Redmond, campaign for Governor, l986;” or former Gov. John McKernan).

Politics is fun, Senator, but is hard.

Don’t make it harder by getting into the gutter to scrap with a world-class street fighter Gov. LePage.

And use the gift you earned to have available to use: golf!

Dan Warren lives in Scarborough. He can be reached at jonesandwarren@gmail.com.

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