Hopping around from news item to news item in The Borough of 04074 as we come screaming into September from an alternatingly monsoon-ridden and/or 98-degree summer….

FACEBOOK, FACEBOOK, ON THE WALL

I will be spending the next few days sticking thumbtacks in my eyes.

I will also be chewing on a large handful of broken glass chunks.

Happy to do both.

See, I was on my laptop the other day, and said, really loud, out loud:

“ARRRGGGHHH!!! I would gladly stick thumbtacks in my eyes if I can be assured I will NEVER again see on Facebook a post from a yuppie parent to the effect: “Here is a photo of little Chloe or Biff at the bus stop, first day of school, 8th grade. When did my little baby grow up?!!”

Yesterday, I received notification from Facebook headquarters, it was actually from that Zuckerberg guy the movie was made on, saying: “Done.” My credit card will show a $39.95 charge for some sort of “filter software” preventing such posts from coming onto my laptop screen.

Apparently, I later, same day I am told, went into convulsions after reading 11 parental posts in a 60-minute period to the effect: “Here is a photo of little Brittany or Chad with their (pick one of the following, dear reader): a) braces finally off; b) new notebooks for back to school; c) candles being extinguished on a birthday cake; or d) new $75 wrist watch.” That news and photo is always followed by a version of:

“I am SO proud of my child!!”

Facebook claims I promised to eat 4 to 6 ounces of a crushed frosted glass mug if a Greater and Higher Authority in Life would guarantee that I would never see such a post and photo again.

Zuckerberg is also holding me to that promise.

Fine.

SOLVING PROBLEMS

Daughter No. 2 returned from Seeds of Peace camp. Hung with kids from Israel and Palestine. Weighty deliberations, etc., no doubt.

Went from there to Canada to visit colleges (she is now interested in International Relations; turns out Canada is its own separate country. Show of hands who knew that prior to my telling you right here?).

Six hour car ride.

Discussed camp in detail. What she did. How she felt. How it has changed her as a person and helped her grow, develop and mature.

And she interrupted several times to say, “Well, Dad, what do YOU think? I would like to hear your opinion on this.” Wow. Stunning.

(Editor I just re-read that paragraph above. It contained a typo. Here is what it was supposed to say: “Daughter home from Seeds of Peace. Drove next day to Canada to look at colleges. I asked how it went. She said, “Dad, I’m tired; leave me alone; I’m going to go to sleep.” Oh. “And can you roll your window up? The breeze is making my hair fly around.” OK. Six hours. Door to door. Zonked. Dead to the world. I bet it was a good summer camp, though.” I apologize for the clerical error.).

TRIVIA QUESTION

Question: If someone is asleep in my motor vehicle, am I allowed to go through customs at the border in Canada without waking them up?

Answer: Yes.

TRACKING LANGUAGE

As a public service, I report to you from time to time on recent trends in language usage by teenagers. Based on four college tours led by 19- or 20-somethings, the newest favorite word is “So.”

For example: “So, welcome to Mimosa University. Um, like, this is a chance for me to, um, like, show you around. So, my name is Zodiac. You can call me Zo.”

Every third sentence starts out of the blue with the word, “So.” It is the new crutch.

No need to thank me for this information. Happy to help. Tips are welcomed. Jars are positioned on tables at various points in the auditorium.

FATHER-DAUGHTER BONDING

At one point, I said to my daughter, “Hey, precious (that is what I generally call her; she calls me Daddy Dearest), I think I may get more involved in these tours. Ask more questions. Assert myself. Suggest places to go on campus, issues to address with parents here.” She looked at me. She threatened to physically harm me.

HE STOPPED LOVING HER TODAY?

A kid who used to play baseball for the Libby-Mitchell American Legion Post 76 baseball team is now a country western singer in Nashville! Keelan Donovan, a 6’4” pitcher who attended Cheverus High School, was in Portland the other night at The Asylum Night Club. I left a baseball for him to autograph for our team auction. I know, I know; that is probably really gauche! But, hey, give me credit. I HAD planned to walk up to the stage between songs with it.

Throw strikes, big fella.

OBAMA AND SYRIA

Rush Limbaugh is critical on the Syria issue of President Obama (sorry I mean just Obama; no formal title unless the speaker approves of the person, I guess…). The president is a wimp because he has not bombed them, as a U.S. force alone, over internal use of chemical weapons, right?

CAMERON AND SYRIA

Great Britain’s Parliament voted against allowing Prime Minister David Cameron to authorize British participation in any international strike against Syria.

That makes Britain wimps also, right?

AND GERMANY MAKES THREE?

On the BBC radio broadcast the other morning, it said Germany is also hesitant to jump in. So that’s three cowering, whimpering, thumb-sucking, puerile, poor-excuse-for-a-superpower countries not willing to “man up” as a country, right?

At some point, does Talk Radio Land start keeping track and take a count? And if it is 50 or 60 countries saying no, and a bunch of Talk Radio celebrities saying yes, do they wonder maybe this whole bombing thing in the Middle East again isn’t such a good idea?

NASCAR AND BASEBALL

Alex Lacognata, Scarborough High senior, and Libby-Mitchell Post 76 Legion baseball pitcher (another one!) recently finished No. 2 in the points race at Beech Ridge Speedway this summer in his rookie division. First pitcher since Mickey Martelle of Cheverus raced there in l965.

“I like it wide open and sideways,” Mickey said of the dirt track they used to have there.

Throw strikes, Alex! Vroom vroom.

That is all for today. This column will be closing in six minutes. Bring any purchases or points of view I was selling, which you are buying, to the front of the newspaper at this time.

Dan Warren lives in Scarborough. He can be reached at jonesandwarren@gmail.com.

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