I used to enjoy mowing the lawn. Now it agitates the heck out of me.

My agitation is the result of the gas-container safety spouts that the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency has mandated since 2009 – spouts that barely allow gas to come out.

According to Jeffrey Tucker, editorial director at the American Institute of Economic Research, the safety spout originated in California in 2000 because the state government decided it needed to prevent gasoline from being spilled as lawnmower owners filled their tanks.

Before the state and federal mandates, one could still buy a steel or plastic gas container with a simple cap or spout in the front and a vent hole in the back, which allowed the gas to pour freely.

If you’re especially lucky, you inherited a heavy-gauge steel can that your grandfather used his entire life – and that you will use the rest of yours.

Grandpa, along with millions of other sensible people, used an old steel funnel to fill his lawnmower’s tank – never spilling a drop.

Nonetheless, the EPA, determined to create a problem for its solution, mandated in 2009 that new gasoline containers “be built with a simple and inexpensive permeation barrier and new spouts that close automatically.”

Simple? Inexpensive? Automatic?

These are three words that are not often used to describe government mandates.

“Permeation” turned out to be an awfully accurate word, though.

When one attempts to pour gasoline through the spring-loaded, EPA-mandated spout, the splashing fuel permeates everything – your pants, shoes, yard, etc. – except the inside of your gas tank.

I’ve bought a half-dozen gas containers in the past six years, hoping the new one will work better than its predecessor, but it never has.

Every time I fill my lawnmower tank, I have to remove the “simple, inexpensive, automatic” spout to get the gas to come out.

The irony is delicious. The EPA rule that was designed to prevent gas spillage causes gas spillage – a lot more gas spillage.

Such government meddling reminds me of the 2005 ethanol mandate that I wrote about a few years ago – which causes us weekend landscapers additional pain.

Ethanol-blended gasoline became a government requirement in 2005. It’s part of the Renewable Fuel Standard, which mandates adding increasing amounts of biofuels to transportation fuels each year.

The goal was noble – ethanol was supposed to be good for the environment – but The Atlantic refers to the program as “an unmistakable social and environmental failure.” Many are calling for its repeal.

Well, it turns out, reports Marketplace, that ethanol-blended gasoline makes small engines, such as my lawnmower’s engine, run dangerously hot, causing rubber components to melt.
According to ATV Illustrated, “ethanol in fuel has a tendency to absorb water from the air and separate from the gasoline, sinking to the bottom of the gas tank, where it quickly degrades and creates gums, varnish and other insoluble debris that can plug fuel flow passages … .”

I sometimes wonder if our government is really being run by highly sophisticated practical jokers.

How else would you explain EPA-mandated spouts that don’t let gas come out, and motors that are ruined by any of the gas that does?

Then again, in these challenging times, perhaps we should thank our regulators for giving us something to laugh at.

That bunch is a real gas.

Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970’s Childhood,” a humorous memoir available at amazon.com, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist. Send comments to Tom at Tom@TomPurcell.com.

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