Do you know what “malapropisms” are? They are kind of hard to explain, so I’ve lifted the definition straight from Mr. Google. They are wonderfully hilarious and often kind of right on the mark, but just enough off to cause a double take. Here it is:

“Malapropism (also called a Dogberryism) is the use of an incorrect word in place of a word with a similar sound, resulting in a nonsensical, often humorous utterance. An example is Yogi Berra‘s statement: “Texas has a lot of electrical votes,” rather than “electoral votes“. (Berra was the all-time king of malaprops.)

The word malapropism comes ultimately from the French mal à propos meaning “inappropriate” via “Mrs. Malaprop”, a character in the Richard Brinsley Sheridan comedy “The Rivals“” (1775) who habitually misused her words. “Dogberryism” comes from “Officer Dogberry,” the name of a character in the William Shakespeare play “Much Ado about Nothing.” These are the two best-known fictional characters who made this kind of error—there are many other examples. Malapropisms also occur as errors in natural speech. Malapropisms are often the subject of media attention, especially when made by politicians or other prominent individuals, such as Donald Trump’s saying “Thighland” in a speech, among others.

The philosopher Donald Davidson has noted that malapropisms show how complex is the process by which the brain translates thoughts into language.

Malaprops are often extremely funny but only to the person hearing them since the person saying them has no idea what they’re saying, which, of course makes the malapropisms all the funnier. I’m not mocking or making fun, honestly I‘m not. We all do and say these things and have no idea it’s happening.  We speak and write them, I more than anyone. I feel them coming into my head and am unable to stop them from flying out of my mouth. At least I can catch them somewhat when I type them. Below is just a short list of all the malapropisms (and a few mixed metaphors, typos and misspellings stirred in for extra flavor) I have read and heard in the last year, and some—OK many—are mine. I have to tell the truth here; after all I do not want to cast the first stone at the glass house. (That was kind of one.)

They’ve finally done the right thing. They’ve taken the highbrow.

I was going the wrong way so had to turn a juggernaut in the middle of the highway.

She was stewed in her own petard.

And the ramparts red grave.

My car was suddenly out of commotion.

Don’t ever forget the famous last words of Patrick Hale.

My sister is a hyper-chondrayick.

He was in fear of his life.

Let sleeping dogs sleep.

Please don’t tell anyone. Remember now, sssshhhh. I didn’t hear it from me.

He’s really chip off the old block but I hope it’s not a bigger chip than he can chew.

Due to a rash of breakdowns in the neighborhood, we decided to get house alarms and motion lights.

When that knock came in the middle of the night like that, I woke up completely startling.

To keep your eyes from getting sore when swimming underwater, you should always remember to wear googles.

(A woman who’d been ahead of me in line at a checkout, forgot her bag of stuff and came back into the store sighing loudly and saying to no one in particular) “I tell ya, I’m just a loose target.”

Everyone was admiring that mansion recently donated to the college. The wealthy donors had made their money back in the ’20s and ’30s as large shipping magnets.

It felt really nice to have such a good friend living in the house with me, my being so far away from everything as I was. I knew she would always put her eye out with me.

Kids today do not know anything about history. I was talking with my neighbor’s son last week and he didn’t know a single thing about the Magnum Carthage or even that it was started in Hawaii in the 1800s, or even what it was. I read in People Magazine that Tom Selleck did a modern version of that with his show in the 70s, Magnum something, kind of the way play producers modernize those old boring Shakespeare plays by putting the actors in clothing from The Gap and everything like that.

Look — I can’t remember because I was a little inebriating that day.

That was some job, cleanin’ up all that land around that old house. Every single one of us come down with poison ivory.

(Describing a hostage situation after a SWAT team stormed the store to free the hostages;) One weeping woman could be seen carried out of the officers.

When it comes to the safety of our children, well, I guess that kind of tips the field the other way.

What does it really matter, in the great scene of everything and all?

Don’t worry. Fiona will fit in just like a glove.

That movie is just sooo scary. It really twists with your mind.

We suddenly found ourselves in eminent danger.

OMG, they have to put that child on a diet. She’s nothing but a little gutter ball.

Sitting in that group, baring our souls, omg, it was just so so intensity.

Watch what you’re saying. Do NOT put words at my mouth.

It was raining like a banshee.

That must have been Bigfoot in the forest that night. See all the bones and blood of the animals he’s killed spread out all over that area there? He just devastates them.

I listened carefully to all the facts but frankly none of them jived.

Oh, all the emotions I knew I’d feel — they just ran the gambit.

Yeah, the idiot smoked for so long. He knew it was wrong and sure enough, he ended up with cancer of the larnix.

SupposeBly he was going for a hike, even in the rain.

Sure they exchanged all the usual vows, –you know, for richer and richer until death did them start.

Thanks for the offer to help but you do not have to defend me. I am perfectly capable of being my own spoke person.

OK, you know the rules, and in these chambers, rules are sakkosanct, do you understand?? SAKKOSANCT!! Remember that.

I just can’t tell anyone about this because I am in fear of my safety.

(From a man accused of killing his fiancé.) Sure, we had problems. We fought sometimes. But that doesn’t make me a murderess, does it?

When I looked down, I saw that something shiny had grabbed my eye.

Yeah, it’s a really classy ski lodge hotel I’m taking the family to. They have those après ski parties all the time and in fact have après everything; swimming, hikes, dinners, après brunch, and even après spa, I’ll bet.

I’ve tried and tried to lose weight but those diets just don’t ever work. My weight just keeps cascading up and up.

Don’t be in such a hurry. Always remember kiddo, that Sicily wasn’t built in a day.

LC Van Savage is a Brunswick writer.

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