The last time I had to hunt for a job was in 2020. Four years isn’t a long time, but somehow the whole process of applying for jobs seems different than it was then.

At bigger companies, the process is almost entirely automated. You upload your resume to their software, then re-type it because their software can only transfer texts in giant unreadable blocks of words. Then you might have to take some quizzes or surveys. The good ones are assessing your qualifications and knowledge of computer programs. The bad ones are personality tests where they try to find the best little robot.

I mean, how am I supposed to answer a question like: “Do you think that companies often take advantage of their workers?” on the scale of agree, mostly agree, mostly disagree, disagree. (Memorize that four-point self-ranking scale if you’re thinking of job-hunting soon. Employers love it.) Of course I think most companies take advantage of their workers, and if I was being asked the question by a human being, I could pull up some sources to prove that point. But most big companies have outsourced their hiring process to software so that they don’t need to involve a human until the tail end of the process, for interviews.

Some of the companies I applied to are even pushing back on that. For a few applications, I had to upload a “video interview” of myself answering questions that they gave me. I think this is an effort to replace the classic “first round” interview. On the upside, I now know that being a YouTuber is absolutely not the career for me. On the downside, it feels very weird to upload videos of myself into the digital ether with no idea where they’re going and, unlike YouTube, no ability to keep track of them. Who’s watching them? Is it a human being or some sort of AI?

At least the automated structure of the big companies means you get an automated email when they decide to go with another candidate for the position. A lot of smaller companies I’ve applied to will absolutely ghost you. Now, I’ve done my fair share of ghosting and failing at any form of follow-up after plenty of Tinder dates, I admit this. Maybe throwing my resume at a dozen hiring managers and never hearing anything back is my karmic punishment for that. A generous interpretation is, as smaller companies, they probably don’t have the staff to get back to everyone with a “thanks but no thanks” email. A less generous interpretation is that they just don’t care. (The larger companies also don’t care but, as I mentioned, the automated system takes care of it.)

You’d think that I’d at least be good at cover letters, given that I am technically a professional writer. But formulating cover letters is like pulling teeth. Cover letters feel like labor, much more than column writing feels. There’s none of the quick flow or joy that comes with regular writing; I think it’s because most of it feels so fake. I tend to be bold and honest in my writing. Maybe it’s the autism, maybe it’s just the writing style. It’s an advantage when it comes to more creative pursuits, such as this column, but it doesn’t belong in the business world. It’s hard for me to “sell myself” on paper, explaining what assets I can bring somewhere. Beyond that, it just seems like a charade to me.

There are definitely some job openings I feel genuinely passionate and interested about, and those letters are a little easier to write. Even then, my instinct is still just to say: “Please let me in, you guys seem like you’re having so much fun!” (I promise I try not to come off as pathetic and begging in my actual letters.) But let’s be real. Nobody grows up aspiring to be a customer service associate in a call center. I want the job because the hours are good, it’s in a climate-controlled environment and the pay is enough.

And then, if I jump through all the preliminary hoops, I still have to ace the interview. The interview is probably my least favorite part of the whole process, although since 2020 there has been a huge uptick in interviews via Zoom or some other online system. Those are a little easier for me because at least I can wear slippers and be in a comfortable environment (my home) where I feel more relaxed and confident, which I think translates well to the screen.

In person? I feel the same sort of nervous, excited optimism (but mostly nervousness) that I feel before a first date, but dialed up several notches, because my ability to pay my mortgage doesn’t depend on a first date going well. I spend an enormous amount of mental energy trying to appear as un-autistic as possible, which probably means I come off as a little stiff and weird. Because I am stiff! I’m focusing on not fidgeting with my hair (or with anything, really), making a normal human amount of eye contact (how long are you supposed to hold the gaze?), keeping my tone light and my small talk lighter. Plus, you have to have a bunch of anecdotes about previous employment at the ready, anecdotes that make you look good – but not suspiciously good.

It is exhausting. People are always saying: “Nobody wants to work anymore.” Maybe part of the issue is that applying for jobs is a job in and of itself.

Victoria Hugo-Vidal is a Maine millennial. She can be contacted at:
themainemillennial@gmail.com
Twitter: @mainemillennial

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