Strawberry ice cream and lime; vanilla ice cream and cola; and orange cream ice cream and orange soda floats. Scott Suchman/photo; Lisa Cherkasky/food styling, for The Washington Post

It is hot, and I hate it. I have the skin tone of an anemic vampire. My hair absorbs humidity like a loaf of stale bread, capable of swelling six-to-eight times its natural size. The sidewalks smell bad. I smell bad. The soundtrack of this and every summer is my incessant whining to the beat of a whirring fan. I don’t understand why anyone gets excited for this.

One of the only things that makes summer ever-so-slightly sufferable is remembering that ice cream floats exist. It’s incredible that I barely think of them at all (if ever) in the fall, winter or spring. Once the temperature drops below 75 degrees, I seem to delete every memory that involves me being uncomfortably moist. As I rarely drink ice cream floats in comfortable, climate-controlled conditions, they end up feeling like a new discovery every year. That pleasant surprise doesn’t make up for feeling like I’m being air-fried by the elements, but it’s still something to enjoy in supremely unenjoyable times.

An ice cream float is not the same as an ice cream soda. The latter is made by adding ice cream to a glass, then pouring soda on top of it; whereas the former is made by filling a glass with soda and gently floating a scoop of ice cream on top of it. Why am I pointing this out? Because this stupid weather has given me no choice but to be the absolute worst, and I hate that for all of us.

At tolerable temperatures my brain gives zero hoots about the order of operations, but it’s my body that controls the fingers that do the typing, and that body is actively damp. Damp, miserable and intent on turning my problems into everyone’s problems. Drinking an ice cream float would probably fix this, but since I started writing this piece, the temperature has risen another 10 degrees, and my brain would rather start a war over ice cream semantics than help itself.

Thinking has never been my strong suit when it’s humid. It’s hard to remember how to behave, or really to do much of anything when all I can think about is why I have yet to flee to the Yukon. (Another frequently deleted summertime fantasy.) Fortunately, floats are fully foolproof. The name doubles as the directions. You don’t need any kitchen equipment besides an ice cream scoop and a glass, and even if you lack those, you can still find a way to pull off a float in an emergency. Sure, a bowl and your bare hands might not be couth in cooler weather, but the moment the heat index hits 100, I stop caring about pretty much everything, decorum included.

The only part where float-making can possibly get dicey is when it comes to picking your flavors of soda and ice cream. I don’t know how many possible flavor combinations exist in the world – because I’m too hot to do math – but I know it’s a lot. That’s probably why the go-to ice cream flavor for floats is vanilla – it goes with everything and helps keep decision-making to a minimum.

But if you’re more competent in this climate than I am, venture past vanilla and explore all sorts of flavors and frozen things. The rule book for summer beverages changes once you remember that flavorless ice cubes can be swapped out not only for ice cream, but also for sherbet, sorbet, or pretty much anything else that is frozen, tasty and buoyant.

You don’t need to limit yourself to soda, either! What about a nice tall glass of iced tea with a scoop of lemon sorbet to cool it down, or a pint of nonalcoholic stout with an ice cream head? Those both sound good enough to potentially motivate me off the couch and into the kitchen, which is 10 long feet away. Or better yet, I’ll force my kids to make an ice cream float for me, since I’m utterly exhausted from all this whining. They’ll like me much better once I’ve cooled down.

Ice Cream Float

Total time: 5 minutes

Serves 1 (makes 1 ice cream float)

A recipe for an ice cream float is a formality – its measurements meant as a safety net so that even the most nervous may let their imaginations run wild. It’s nearly impossible to get this wrong; you can make it with any soda you care to, and any scoopable frozen dessert in any flavor.

INGREDIENTS

1 1/2 cups soda of choice, such as cola, root beer, cream soda, ginger ale, orange or lemon-lime

1 large scoop (about 1/2 cup) vanilla ice cream

DIRECTIONS

Gently pour the soda into a pint glass. Carefully slide the ice cream to “float” on top; add a straw and serve immediately.

Substitutions: Dairy-free? Try your favorite sorbet or nondairy ice cream.

VARIATIONS

To make an apple pie à la mode float: Gently pour 1 cup ginger ale and 1/2 cup apple juice into a pint glass. Carefully slide 1 large scoop of caramel or caramel-swirl vanilla ice cream to “float” on top; add a straw and serve immediately.

To make a fruity float: Gently pour 1 1/2 cups lemon-lime soda, such as Sprite, into a pint glass. Carefully slide 1 large scoop of strawberry ice cream to “float” on top; add a straw and serve immediately.

To make a coffee float: Gently pour 1 1/2 cups cola into a pint glass. Carefully slide 1 large scoop of coffee ice cream to “float” on top; add a straw, and serve immediately.

Nutritional Facts (per float) | Calories: 304; Fat: 9 g; Saturated Fat: 5 g; Carbohydrates: 55 g; Sodium: 69 mg; Cholesterol: 32 mg; Protein: 3 g; Fiber: 1 g; Sugar: 52 g