It all began when we had to replace our washing machine and clothes dryer with a new set that came big and bold and red and all covered with shiny rows of lights and buttons to select washing with water that was anywhere between frigid to steaming hot and any degree in between the two; and the dryer, with lights and buttons that let you choose to spin-dry your clothes at any speed between so slowly that you could count the buttons on your shirt as it transited by the observation window to so fast that the clothes became invisible.

The problem was, that although the washer did a great job of cleaning T-shirts, it always turned them inside out during the wash cycle, which is not really such a big problem, since you can turn them back to right side out yourself. Still, it’s not easy having folks stare at the L L Bean label on your back if you don’t take the trouble to do what’s necessary. And then, T-shirts really don’t look right or feel right if you wear them inside out.

At first, I thought I had discovered a new principle in hydrology, but after an exhaustive internet search, I found the principle was already known and had to give up the idea of naming it after myself as, The Frink Hydro-Surge Inversion Principle of Hydrology.

In any event, I was too late, because someone in the DARPA-Net community had done the experiments and found that the principle was scalable. A federal project to weaponize the Hydro-Surge Inversion Principle as an anti-submarine coastal installation was well underway as “The Buzz-Splash Project.”

Named after the sound it made when you pushed the big red button and activated the anti-submarine weapon, a sort of “Buzz-Splash” sound, it simply turned the enemy submarine inside out, leaving the crew in the warm coastal water, but outside their vessel, which was now inside out, but with the humane opportunity to swim up to the surface and make for shore, wet but unharmed.

And there you go, weaponized, but humanized: a reliable product of modern science, inspired manufacturing, an offshoot of standardized, conspicuous consumption and a viable part of the American Dream.

Talk about making America great again – aren’t we great already? I think we are.

Orrin Frink is a Kennebunkport resident. He can be reached at ofrink@gmail.com.