The notion that we are divided as a nation is being discussed everywhere these days, especially since the election. We take it for granted that this is not a good thing and that we should be trying to repair the divide. It seems useful to ask a few questions before embarking on that mission. Why is being divided a bad thing? What, if anything, should we do to change it?

On the one hand, we’ve come to believe that everyone should “have a voice,” be true to his or her own self, and be authentic. Put that idea together with the fact that we are all unique individuals with different experiences, values, beliefs, and identities and clearly disagreement is inevitable. Add the idea that we value diversity in all things and we have a true conundrum. How could we ever hope to be anything but divided?

Perhaps the problem is in the meaning we make of the word “divided.” If the opposite of divided is that we all march in lockstep, then dividedness becomes a good thing. In fact, diversity of thought and experience can become the source of innovation and creative change. Maybe the problem is not that we are divided, but whether and how we are able to manage our differences so that they become an asset instead of a liability.

Dividedness is a bad thing only when it keeps us from addressing and solving the problems we face collectively and when it disrupts the relationships that hold us together. We lose those when we allow our differences to create a downward spiral in which we label those who are different from us as other or even enemy and behave accordingly. That is when we stop having constructive conversations, lose the ability to solve our common problems effectively, and melt the glue that holds us together, as a nation, a community, a neighborhood, a family.

So how do we make sure our dividedness becomes an asset and not a liability? The first answer is all about attitude. It requires shifting from being closed off to being open, from being certain we are right to being curious and questioning, from being short term thinking and self-interested to thinking about what is best for the whole community for the long term. And to make those shifts, we need to start with self-examination. Not easy, to be sure.

The second answer has to do with skill and skill practice: Listening to understand, suspending judgment, checking assumptions, asking truly curious questions, presenting our own opinions and beliefs as possibilities rather than absolutes. Also not easy, and not the way we’re called upon to behave in most day-to-day situations. But the more we’re able to practice these skills, the more we’ll be able to mobilize them when we find ourselves facing differences — whether across the dinner table, with a neighbor, at work or in a community meeting.

There are many resources available for anyone wishing to learn more or work on improving their skills. To learn more, check out National Institute for Civil Discourse (NICD), National Coalition for Dialogue and Deliberation (NCDD.org), BraverAngels.org and Living Room Conversations. Closer to home, you can practice by participating in Let’s Talk America monthly meetings usually held at the Scarborough Public Library but virtually for now, and join us at Scarborough Community Connections (SCC) for events and conversation. Contact us at Scarboroughcommunityconnection@gmail.com

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