With “The A-Team” movie coming to screens this week, one wonders what the next big TV show-to-movie events will be. Here are my thoughts on the matter.

(Author’s note: My only hesitation in doing this is that it will give someone ideas. I mean, if I inadvertently bring a film version of “We Got It Made” into being, I will never forgive myself. And if you think I’m worrying over nothing, remember that a “Car 54, Where Are You?” movie ACTUALLY HAPPENED!)

“Golden Girls: The Movie!” The cast of “Sex and the City” could take this on in about two years, if we can keep Sarah Jessica Parker away from the plastic surgeon and leave Kristin Davis out in the sun.

“Gilligan’s Island: The Movie!” Just shifting the cast of “Lost” onto a new island, thus giving heretofore lost Losties something new to obsess over. (“How could Professor Locke make a coconut hatch cover and a stick of dynamite out of a banana, but not a boat?! This must mean something“)

“Perfect Strangers: The Movie!”* With Steve Carrell as Cousin Larry and Sasha Baron Cohen in Borat character as Balki, with Balki’s catchphrase “Don’t be ridiculous” changed to “That is so ridiculous, now I am showing you my penis!”

*Author’s note: When coming up with possible casts, the joke, “well, (underemployed star of the original series) is probably available” came up a lot. I have chosen to avoid it, and advise you to do the same.)

“The Facts of Life: The Movie!” Starring Megan Fox, Paris Hilton, the interchangeable blonde Jessicas (Biel and Alba), and Christina Hendricks (as sexy housemother Mrs. Garrett) in this hard-R update, set in a French lingerie-design boarding school.

“Bosom Buddies: The Movie!” I guarantee Peter Scolari is pitching this to Tom Hanks’ people right now.

“BJ and the Bear: The Movie!” A guy driving around in an 18-wheeler with his pet monkey? I don’t see how this hasn’t been made already.

“M*A*S*H*: The Movie!” It’s finally happened! The movie made from the TV show made from a movie! Popular culture has finally devoured itself! It’s back to cave paintings!

“C-Span 2: The Movie!” Looking for an inexpensive “Paranormal Activity”-style horror hit, this film reveals the barely-glimpsed demonic goings-on around the edges of a one-camera immobile recording of the cloture vote on House resolution 113-A.

“The Real Cancun: The Movie!” A movie based on the unutterably-vapid reality show “The Real World”? No, that’s just too ridic oh, dear God, that actually happened. I need to lie down

“Planet Earth: The Movie!” The acclaimed BBC nature series as a stunningly-photographed disaster flick starring Vin Diesel as Big Bear, Mickey Rourke as The Shark, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Shale and Christopher Mintz-Plasse as comic sidekick McMeerkat.

“Lanigan’s Rabbi: The Movie!” Utterly, desperately out of ideas, studios option this 1976 Art Carney detective series (about an Irish cop and his crime-solving rabbi pal), the last unlicensed TV show in existence. Starring Jason Biggs and a CGI Carney, performed in a motion-capture suit by Andy Serkis.

 

Dennis Perkins is a Portland freelance writer.