Q: My girlfriend and I recently broke up. We had been together for four years and have two boys, ages 3½ and 18 months. I know the youngest one is mine, but I’m not sure about the oldest one. I was at the birth and I did sign the birth certificate, but he looks nothing like me. I have visitation, however I’m not sure I want to see the oldest one if he isn’t mine. And, would I have to pay child support if a paternity test says he is someone else’s child?

A: Good ex-etiquette would be to continue to support your children, both financially and emotionally, and to teach them to respect their mother even though you are no longer together. Look for solutions rather than arguments. And, finally, never admit that you were ever as selfish as you sound in your question here.

Here’s what we can’t understand: You have been raising this child as your own for more than three years, and now that you’re breaking up with his mother you are considering not seeing him again based on the fact that he may not be biologically yours? If your bond with the oldest child can be so easily severed, we wonder what kind of father figure you will be for either child. There is far more to being a father than biology. The fact that you can write this child off so easily is a serious character flaw.

For the record, based on the information you have given us, it’s doubtful that a judge will tell you that you are not financially responsible for the oldest child even if you find out that he is not biologically yours. It is our understanding that if a child is born during a marriage, and you sign the birth certificate, you are the father of record. As a result, if you break up with the mother, you will be entitled to parenting time and responsible for child support. A judge also may find it questionable that you have not formally questioned paternity for more than three years.

As a final point, we suggest you do not base your child’s paternity on what he looks like. He carries genetic attributes from both parents. He could have his maternal grandfather’s eyes and your great-grandmother’s nose and look nothing like you — but still be your flesh and blood. Paternity issues aside, the primary concern, as we see it, is how you would ever tell this little boy that the man he believes is his daddy wants to see his brother, but not him? The stand-up thing to do would be to put biology aside and take care of both little boys, who we are sure both love you.

Dr. Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com).

 

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