Q: My parents divorced three years ago and my father just passed away. My brother wanted to bring my mother to celebrate the holidays at the home of my father’s parents. I thought it was inappropriate. What is good ex-etiquette?

A: As a blanket statement, it’s good ex-etiquette to stay in touch with former in-laws.

After a breakup, these relationships are based on the children — the in-laws are the children’s grandparents — and each parent and grandparent should support the children’s relationship with extended family (unless the individual is a danger to the child).

In your case, it may help to consider the relationship between your mom and your grandparents up until now.

If your mother supported your relationship with your father’s parents, things should not change after his death.

Your father wasn’t the reason they stayed in touch — you and your brother were.

If they were estranged, it may have been because of your father’s influence and now that he has passed, the relationship can go forward.

Don’t be too hard on your brother.

Holidays bring up strong emotions — especially in those who have recently lost loved ones — and sometimes it takes a few years to face the loss.

It would not be unusual that after your father’s death, he was looking to reunite what family is left.

It also would not be unusual to think, the holidays are here, what better time to put all bad feelings aside: Peace on earth, good will toward everyone.

That said, the holidays are not the best time to attempt to reunite.

Emotions run high and things can easily get out of hand if you have not laid the groundwork.

Better to realize it’s time to patch things up, work toward that goal throughout the upcoming year, and then include Mom next year when there has been a track record of getting along.

Relying on the Ten Rules of Good Ex-Etiquette will ensure that all feel respected while working toward repairing past severed relationships.

On the other hand, if you feel that including Mom was inappropriate based purely on old-school divorce rules, it’s time to let it go.

The rules changed years ago when joint custody allowed children to go back and forth between parents on a regular basis.

If something has happened that you have not shared with us, then you may want to address that through counseling.

It seems your brother is trying to move on.

Dr. Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com).

— McClatchy-Tribune

 

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