Precautions when taking this medicine:

This medicine is intended to treat the conditions stated on the label, including those advertised on television in obviously staged scenes with beautiful actors pretending the medicine is making them feel way better than is humanly possible when cancer calls.

Some physicians endorsed this product and made enough money to retire to a four-bedroom condo in Palm Springs.

Do not use this medicine if you have a history of cheating on the SAT test.

In clinical trials a small percentage of mice reported their tails drooped. This product may result in extended periods of projectile vomiting and uncontrolled diarrhea. If this discomfort lasts more than five days, see a doctor or a plumber.

Users of this drug were 60 percent more likely to experience warm feelings when viewing photos of former President Ronald Reagan dressed as a cowboy than those users who don’t like Westerns at all.

In some cases users of this drug report experiencing benign delusions in which they feel like the shirt or blouse they are wearing makes them look a spitting image of Ellen DeGeneres. Do not panic, but do cover all the mirrors in your house. While using this product your image in a mirror may resemble your uncle Morrie, but the effect is usually benign.

Do not drive a car. Period.

But do take the medicine as prescribed by your doctor, and check with him or her regarding how other medications you are taking might interfere with the purpose of this drug. For example, If you are taking prescription antidepressants you may discover you never did like your mother-in-law’s meatloaf.

If you or anyone you know has used this product as a source of dietary fiber, slap their hands real hard and call their mother.

Did we mention use of this product may cause projectile vomiting and/or uncontrolled diarrhea? In such instances seek help with someone – anyone – who will dare to get close to you. If you have a spare hazardous materials suit now is the time to use it.

Patients who use this product appear to develop a firm belief in the trickle-down economic theory, which states that if you give money to the rich they will spend it and the poor people will get more, too. If the patient experiences such ideas and speaks them out loud he or she should be seen by a specialist.

This medicine was manufactured under the most stringent rules of the former Soviet Union and supervised by a man named Boris, who may call you on the phone and curse your parents and offspring.

This medication has been used to treat mild dementia. Patients with mild dementia who took this medication during the first human trials reported extreme feelings of nostalgia for the Old Gold dancing cigarette pack.

Diabetics should take care when using this product because it might result in minor leakage. You don’t want to know.

The makers of this product are not responsible. For anything.

Bob Kalish observes life from a placid place on the island of Arrowsic (motto: You’re not in Georgetown yet). You can reach him at [email protected].