I’m troubled by the recent Kids Count report, which says Maine has the highest rate of pediatric anxiety in the nation. As a pediatrician, I know this. I see it daily in my office. And I know that teen suicide rates are skyrocketing. I’m worried we are missing an opportunity to teach children emotional agility by using timeouts during their formative years.

For years, psychologists have expressed concerns that timeouts appear to be as detrimental as spanking. Timeouts teach children that unpleasant emotions are “bad” and when they have these feelings, they need to: “Go deal with it alone and come back when you have more pleasant emotions.” We must teach our children how to carry on when they are having unpleasant emotions, to care for themselves and allow unpleasant feelings to move through them without hurting themselves or anyone/anything else.

Let’s stop using timeouts and try my NICER parenting approach instead:

N: Notice. Try not to label the feeling as bad or negative. It’s just a feeling.

I: Identify. Give your child the language to communicate their feeling. Use the feelings wheel.

C: Connect. Think of a time when you had a similar feeling – what did you do to soothe yourself? Tell them you are right there loving them through it.

E: Explain. Point out that it is our job is to not hurt ourselves or each other with our words or our bodies even when we are having big, unpleasant feelings. Be careful not to shame your child or remove the child’s coping strategies (like pets, music, journaling, etc.) with your consequences.

R: Review. Explore the feeling they were having. Be curious: What did it feel like in their body? Where did they feel it?

Gretchen A. Pianka, M.D., MPH, FAAP

Brunswick

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