Giving Voice: Is my story useful to others?

In the early days of The Gathering Place, 12 years ago, the few volunteers there struggled.

How could we help those who had come looking for rest and searching for a place where somebody welcomed them and was not turned away, not scorned and not driven away? Should we give them advice, offer them the “wisdom” we had, or at least some of us thought we had? Were we completely unsure, wondering whether we had good advice to give? Or was any advice just from our perspective as folks who liked to pretend we had figured it all out?

I am afraid to say, most of us felt uncertain whether we had anything to offer, afraid we were offering advice that was just from our perspective as folks who had mostly skated along on firm ice. Oh, yes, we had all, or most of us, been tested as we matured. Some of us, perhaps even many of us, had probably failed the first or even more tests, but one way or another, had managed to find a stable way to live — a place to sleep, a stable partner to marry, a job that would support us, and friends whose lives were similar to ours. We were making it, some near the margin, others fairly successfully, and a few probably, from their family or through marriage, had found themselves in lives of considerable material comfort.

What did we have to offer those coming to The Gathering Place, usually from need, often deep need, for friends, food, and a place to sleep? And how were they different than me, or were they? Some had no good jobs, but some had enjoyed successful positions at one time; some had no stable place to live, but many had at one time; some came from places and situations of uncertainty, but some appeared to have been raised in homes of apparent stability; some seem to have suffered from health concerns, but others appeared to be healthy and strong, but for some reason were grappling or had even given up trying to find a way to support themselves. And some were grappling with fundamental human issues, such as physical impairments, mental handicaps or lack of experience. And others were trapped in relationships that were anywhere from somewhat restrictive to physical imprisonments.

Could we, as unspecialized and untrained volunteers, be of any help? Gradually, some of us learned that our experience, as valuable as it may have been to us in our lives, was of limited value to others. Those others had lived very different lives and experiences, and, to our great disappointment, our experience was of minimal importance to them.

We learned, at least some of us that our listening to others was of much more value than our assuming that our experience would be of value to them. For us to be of value to others, especially those who had lacked friends or role-model advisers, was for us to learn that honest and careful listening offered something that so many had lacked and needed desperately.

We who learned to listen in depth gained two things. We learned, first, that our thoughtful attention to others and their stories was of much greater value than asking them to hear my story, interesting though we thought it would be. Second, we discovered that we learned more and became more useful to others by improving our listening skills and learning that others’ stories were as important as ours.

This is not to say that we always leave our own stories untold. There were a few times when what we had to say about our story was of value to our listeners. Only a few.

Giving Voice is a weekly collaboration among four local nonprofit service agencies to share information and stories about their work in the community.

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