As we say goodbye to 2011, it’s time to look into our crystal ball to see what 2012 has in store:

• Theaters showing George Lucas’ new 3-D version of the “Star Wars” series will be issued custom-made rose-tinted glasses to hand out to the audience.

• The original lineup of Guns N’ Roses will not appear at the band’s induction to the Rock and Hall of Fame, leaving Buckethead to accept the honor. Axl Rose will show up an hour later, throw a tantrum, and trash the podium. (Admittedly, some of these predictions aren’t much of a stretch.)

• Every member of the Tea Party holding an elected office will demand that ribbons at ribbon-cutting ceremonies be replaced with life-support hoses so they can get a warm fuzzy feeling inside every time they cut one.

• In response, enraged liberals holding elected office will demand that the ribbons be reinstated, but will then cave and agree that life-support hoses may be used as long as they include a toll-free number for a recorded message giving tips on how to avoid dying. Both sides will tout this as a great victory.

• The Beach Boys will celebrate their 50th anniversary with a tour. However, every concert will begin 20 minutes late when the band has to remind the audience just who the (expletive) David Marks is.

• Paul McCartney’s new album will be disappointing. (Again, not much of a stretch.)

• Barry Bonds will say he is very, very sorry for lying about taking steroids while he’s lounging poolside with several bikini-clad women during his house arrest.

• While burning in hell, Osama bin Laden and Moammar Gadhafi will hold daily discussions about the absence of the harems and rich bounties they believed would be bestowed upon them for killing thousands under the guise of holy law.

• Following in the tradition of its celebrations for New Year’s Eve, Christmas and Easter, the city of Portland will downsize the annual Old Port Festival by moving it to Lincoln Park. There, kids will be invited to slide down the Occupy Maine medical tent (for six tickets), and entertainment will be provided by a fire-stick juggler and some bearded dude strumming a guitar.

• At the same time, Portland officials will commission the following public art projects: Origami bike racks, original artwork painted over parking spaces, and custom-made street signs that require a decoder to read.

• After blaming unions, teachers, state employees and welfare recipients for ruining the economy, politicians and talk-show hosts will take the next logical step and expand this net to include social workers, soup kitchen volunteers, buskers and anyone who recycles.

• Anyone caught with a firecracker in Maine will have it confiscated and face a stiff fine. They will be able to keep the loaded guns tucked into their belts, though.

• Netflix will revise its pricing policy so customers will have to pay extra to watch DVDs that aren’t scratched and allow viewers to fast-forward past the previews. In response, Blockbuster will require that its movies be returned within three hours after renting.

• Charlie Sheen, Kim Kardashian, Snooki, Kate Gosselin, Lindsay Lohan and end-of-the-world predictors will no longer receive massive attention for being complete and utter morons. (A guy’s got to have something to look forward to, doesn’t he?)

Happy New Year!

Deputy Managing Editor Rod Harmon may be contacted at 791-6450 or at:

rharmon@pressherald.com

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