The widening world of a 3-year-old, and her dawning awareness of just how small she is in comparison to it, will bring new fears and phobias.

She may begin to worry about fire engines with loud sirens or dogs that bark. She may develop phobias about going to strange places and to the doctor’s office.

These fears may have some basis in reality, and a parent needs to try to help with preparation and understanding. But don’t expect that your reassurances will completely wipe out the anxiety. Important issues may underlie these fears, and false reassurances can backfire, undermining a child’s trust.

A 3-year-old is beginning to be aware of her own aggressive feelings, which translate into nighttime fears. These fears emerge in her dreams, turning them into nightmares. Monsters and witches will disrupt sleep in the third and fourth years.

Fears of bedtime, of being alone and of the dark are likely to arise. When there is stress in the child’s environment, or when she must adjust to a new situation, fears and nightmares are likelier to surface.

An example of another sort of new fear is that a child may worry about all the babies in the neighborhood. She won’t go near the house next door because the neighbor has a new baby. Her own baby sister is already 9 months old, so her parents are puzzled about why she is getting so upset all of a sudden. They thought she’d be “adjusted” by now.

However, an older child never completely adjusts to a new baby. At each new stage of the baby’s development, the rivalry will surface again. As the baby gets more mobile and more attractive, the older child will have a new surge of rivalry.

Underneath her terror of new babies, this 3-year-old is likely to be struggling with her own aggressive feelings toward her baby sister. As she is tempted to act on them, she must try harder to contain herself. Fears, phobias and nightmares represent the cost of controlling unwanted but inevitable feelings.

HOW TO HELP A CHILD HANDLE FEARS

• Show your child how you express aggression. She’ll learn by identifying with you. Take her along when you run or play sports, so that she can see how you channel your aggressive urges into competitive strivings that are under your control.

• Talk to her about safe ways to handle dangerous feelings. When you’re driving and someone cuts in front of you, instead of giving way to road rage, say, “I’m so mad I could have smashed into him. But I didn’t.” She may not entirely understand you, but she’ll be comforted to find that frightening feelings can be discussed.

• Encourage her as she develops more self-control. As her aggressive feelings surface, she’ll be more likely to put them into words and to ask you questions about her fears and how to deal with her friends or her baby sister when they make her mad. When she holds back from smacking her baby sister as she passes by, comment on it: “Look at how you controlled yourself!”

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndicate, 620 Eighth Ave., 5th Floor, New York, N.Y., 10018. Questions may also be sent by email to:

nytsyn-families@nytimes.com

 

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