I have a friend (I’ll call her “Sally”) diagnosed with dementia, a frustrating, unpredictable, and devastating disease. Sally needed to move out of her house and into assisted living, which was very stressful for her. Stress annihilates her short-term memory, which of course makes it impossible to create – or follow – a plan. Yet she demanded total control over the process. “I’m an expert on moving,” she insisted.

“Sally” had friends and family willing to help her, but due to her paranoia didn’t want us to communicate with each other directly. “I’m in charge,” she’d tell us, livid at perceived conspiracies even as her stories became so jumbled no one knew what to do. She frequently pitted us against each other; singling out individual members to praise or vilify. A fluent liar, she made up elaborate stories about why someone couldn’t be trusted. She could be sweet and funny, but also shockingly hurtful, and completely self-absorbed.

Experts advised me that the way to deal with people like “Sally” is to enter into their reality. She’s desperate to create a reality she can control, they said. Go with it, where possible, then find a way to get her to do what’s needed.

As I watch President Trump insist he won the election by a landslide, savaging former supporters and concocting ever more fantastic tales of how it was stolen from him, I think of my friend. And it strikes me – we can’t enter into his reality. Not now. Never again.

Anne Gass
Gray

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