I never thought much about grief until last April, when I lost my soulmate. That is when I discovered how little we all know about how to be with a griefling. According to Kim Shute, author of a booklet called “Hints for Grieflings,” “A griefling is a person new to grief, which is everyone at some point.” To comfort a bereaved person, we sometimes turn to clichéd advice like “In time you will get over him” or “He’s in a better place” or, the most unhelpful one, “Be strong.”

As a reluctant member of this “club,” I wish to share what has been most comforting to me. We who are grieving do not want our loved ones to be forgotten. We love to hear someone share a story about our loved ones. We love to be asked about them. Be prepared for tears, but they are only tears.

Contrary to what people sometimes think, we don’t like to be left alone with our grief. In the months following the death of my husband, Sam, it was so lovely to have people continue to check on me for a beach walk, lunch, a laugh. The holidays are excruciating for grieflings, whose hearts are broken open and in need of filling.

Becoming widowed changes your life forever as you try to reinvent your life without your best friend. If you are in doubt about what a griefling might need, just ask. And if you are clueless about how you can be there for the bereaved, tell them so.

Denise Schwartz
Scarborough

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